“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.” – From an Irish headstone, as quoted in Richard Puz’s novel “The Carolinian”

Each person deals with death in his or her own way. For a caregiver of someone with Alzheimer’s, typically the journey has been a long one.

Some caregivers pray for the death of a loved one who has lost his dignity, memory and identity. But when death finally comes, a new pain is introduced, and a sense of permanent loss becomes your new normal.

I have gathered a few bits of information that I hope will help readers grieving the loss of a loved one.

  • Provide gentle self-care when grief is fresh. Ask for help from friends, try to take walks, soak in a warm bath before bed.
  • Embrace the memories. Death ends a life, but it doesn’t end a relationship. Retain special keepsakes, create a memory book or give to a charity in your loved one’s name.
  • Accept your feelings. A range of intense emotions can come after a loss, and these feelings need release. So cry, walk and try to write what’s in your heart.
  • Expressing your feelings after the death of a loved one can aid healing. I think this technique is very powerful. Try to do it without censoring. Just put your pen to paper.

Some suggestions to help you get started are:

I miss you most when …

I remember you when …

The hardest part about your death for me is …

It would have been nice if …

I’m really sorry for …

My best time with you was …

If you were here right now, I would …

You taught me …

Thank you for …

  • If you are the friend of someone who has just experienced the death of a loved one, don’t try to lessen the loss with easy answers such as “It’s God’s will,” “They are better off,” or “There must be a reason.”

Just be prepared to listen to your friend and to help in small ways such as grocery shopping or cooking dinner.

  • The most important thing to remember is to never put a time limit on grieving.

However, if you see the grieving person using drugs or alcohol, or beset by depression or mounting anxiety, recommend professional help.

Just being present is the most important thing you can do for a friend or relative who is grieving.

  • One important thing to remember is that each person’s grief is unique. No two people grieve in exactly the same way.

Your experience of grief will be influenced by a variety of factors: the relationship you had with the person who died, the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system, and your cultural and religious background.

Karen Doughtie is assistant director of Memory Matters, serving Bluffton and Hilton Head. karen@memory-matters.org